What happened to my happiness? I used to be happy, I think. Now I have conversations about forgiveness, chances, moving, and abortions on a daily basis. What kind of life is that? B says I want to run; he is so right. I want to play a game. It's called 'Spin the Compass' and whatever direction it lands, that's the way I'll drive.
We got into an argument last night, B and I. He came home from his dinner early and had an appt afterwards, and since I was bored, I had made plans to play an online game with M for about an hour. Of course, B comes home in the middle of it and when I told him that I had made plans, got huffy and stormed out. Apparently we can't talk while I play on the computer. Except that we always do. He's just upset that he's not involved. I need a break. Or maybe some permanence away.
So naturally, later after his appt, he comes back and smells like smoke (asshole, he knows I just quit), and we have it out because he "wanted to hang out with me" and "I never stick up for him" and "You should hear what the counselor has to say about you." I'm going to address the third one, right now. There are two sides to every story. I am sure that he has said, "I want to make it work, I love her, etc, etc," but I also wonder if he told her that he snooped through my computer when he thought I was lying (I wasn't). Or if he told her that he consistently pulls the house phone and cell phone records to see who I am talking to at what times and for how long. Or if he's told her that I told him I wanted to leave and he cried and screamed and told me to give him more time.. That he can't live without me.. That he can't survive alone. And all he asks (this time around) is that I call him first in the morning. Why? Because I'm a package you want to keep track of? I am not a fucking trophy. Rinse, repeat. I am not a fucking trophy.
Then, there's M. We had a hell of a lot of fun last night playing. Then this morning we talked and things were fine. Then all of a sudden, he gets angry with me. And all I asked was, "If it was someone else, not me, would you give them the same advice in my situation?" To which he took that as, I'm staying. So then we discussed moving. And he said that he didn't want to be a doormat. What would his family say if I were to come back to him pregnant? Well, okay then. I get it. I fucked up.
So, I need to ask, what about me? Does anyone consider how I feel? That I sit there and cry because I'm so ridiculously unhappy and hormonal? That this baby was a complete shock and surprise to me, but I cannot imagine getting an abortion.. I am aware that they're trying to wrap their minds around it; what do they think I'm trying to do? I don't have anything figured out. I'm 800 miles away from my family. I never leave this apartment. I don't have a life out here. Hell, I can't even find a job, since I got laid off from the one I loved.
And on top of that, I don't want to be miserable. I don't normally bitch this much. I love going out and doing things and enjoying people and life. But I feel trapped and caged and controlled, and now I'm sharing my body with someone else. A little person that counts on me. How can I just abandon that? They have my blood. Literally. They are a part of me. And I'm about to run to my future; I just haven't figured out where that is yet.
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