It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

Life is good. Really good. As in, I am really grateful for how things are going and where I'm at in life and yes. Thank god the hormones are back to normal. I feel like me! 15 weeks in, and I feel like a normal, but more round person!

Things with B and I are progressing nicely. No fighting, no drama, nothing but spending quality time and enjoying the time we have while we have it to ourselves. And really, I couldn't ask for much more than that. I feel like sweet Mary Sunshine... And then, that makes me worry about the other shoe dropping. Oh, well. I hope the optimism lasts a bit longer, I'm really getting used to it. The kidlet and I are doing well too. I can't wait to meet him/her! We thought we might be able to see what it was at the 12 week mark, but they couldn't be 100%. So now, the next ultrasound is the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday. Hm... Hopefully the little bugger is cooperative.

Knock on wood.

Who is this happy woman? I almost don't recognize her, it's been that long. Or.. it's been awhile.

/smirks ...

Sweet Sleep

Well, I finally feel like a decent human being again. Who knew that I could be so angry and short-tempered and just unbearable all the time when I'm not getting proper rest? Whew. I feel bad, actually. I think I've apologized to B a number of times for my absurd crankiness.

Anyway, yesterday I had another Dr.'s appointment, in which they checked the cervix and did some cultures. She said that it felt and looked good and my blood work came back clean. I could just feel my shoulders relax and breathe a sigh of relief. It's the first real piece of information I've gotten other than, "You're pregnant." I think the more I know, the better off I'll be. I just want everything to be as it should, and healthy, and minimal complications. And it seems I'm on the right track! I'm so excited!

Oh, I finally snagged a picture of B's birthday present:

Cute, right? I knew he'd love them. I think now that I've gotten some rest and my hormones seem to have slightly evened out (I hope), that things will be better. I am so ecstatic about this baby and I cannot wait to hear the heartbeat... Oh! Yes! In a week from today is the first ultrasound (the dating ultrasound).. Some people say that it's a small size, but I just want to know that it's implanted in the right place and hear it's little heartbeat and I will be more than content.

This little peanut was such a surprise, but I cannot imagine me loving it any more than I already do. I want to know everything! But mostly, I want to take care of it and show it that the world may be scary sometimes, but I will always be there to support them whenever they need it.

And I also have a friend who is a week behind me. She's been having trouble remaining pregnant, but this time, I hope it works out for her. So if you're reading this (anyone), send a prayer out for her. She would be the very best mother. I'll continue to do so as well.

So, best wishes for sleeping.. So far the wedge and body pillow are my very best friends. I see the nutritionist soon, but the big ultrasound day is in a week.. Seven days of waiting to see my little peanut. I don't know how I can wait that long; let alone 9 months!

And Then...

And then... I have an amazing weekend. Hormones, how you sway me! Friday was great; slept in, relaxed, and then took a drive to this little Chinese buffet. My stomach had some issues, but I ended up with sesame chicken to die for. B had an assortment of things and even let me share his soft-serve vanilla ice cream. Mmm. Did I mention it was also his birthday?

I baked him a cake - devil's food cake - one with buttercream frosting and the other with milk chocolate frosting. I wasn't sure which one he'd like better. I also got him two Yankee's onesies for the baby - which is a huge concession, considering I am a die-hard Cubs fan. He knew what I was trying to relay though, and loved them. He even took pictures and sent them to our friends...

Friday night I also took pictures of the belly. It seems to be that I'm a bit big for six weeks. But my appt is on Thursday, so we'll see what they say then.

Saturday was a mostly rainy, relaxing day as well. We ended up going out to dinner with D&M and their baby, where 2/4 dinner companions had fish. I was trying to keep my stomach under control, but managed to eat my dinner without issue. Afterwards, we took them home and relaxed outside for another 30 minutes or so before going back home and watching Baby Mama. I've never seen it, but it was pretty cute. I also guessed the plot line/ending before it even was halfway through, but.. cute nonetheless.

Sunday, we took a drive to the farmer's market and bought fresh sweet corn, tomatoes, potatoes, plums, cherries, farm fresh eggs, and some home grown spices. We made a homemade spaghetti sauce yesterday afternoon and then had that with some garlic roasted fettuccine for dinner, with sweet corn, of course.

Just thinking about it is making me hungry again! But really, a great and relaxing weekend. I think it's just what I needed. B is being absolutely perfect. I even get belly rubs whenever he's free. And as far as moving back to the Midwest? I have to think about the peanut now too; what's in his/her best interest? And that can't be a snap decision. 

Thickening Tears

What happened to my happiness? I used to be happy, I think. Now I have conversations about forgiveness, chances, moving, and abortions on a daily basis. What kind of life is that? B says I want to run; he is so right. I want to play a game. It's called 'Spin the Compass' and whatever direction it lands, that's the way I'll drive.

We got into an argument last night, B and I. He came home from his dinner early and had an appt afterwards, and since I was bored, I had made plans to play an online game with M for about an hour. Of course, B comes home in the middle of it and when I told him that I had made plans, got huffy and stormed out. Apparently we can't talk while I play on the computer. Except that we always do. He's just upset that he's not involved. I need a break. Or maybe some permanence away.

So naturally, later after his appt, he comes back and smells like smoke (asshole, he knows I just quit), and we have it out because he "wanted to hang out with me" and "I never stick up for him" and "You should hear what the counselor has to say about you." I'm going to address the third one, right now. There are two sides to every story. I am sure that he has said, "I want to make it work, I love her, etc, etc," but I also wonder if he told her that he snooped through my computer when he thought I was lying (I wasn't). Or if he told her that he consistently pulls the house phone and cell phone records to see who I am talking to at what times and for how long. Or if he's told her that I told him I wanted to leave and he cried and screamed and told me to give him more time.. That he can't live without me.. That he can't survive alone. And all he asks (this time around) is that I call him first in the morning. Why? Because I'm a package you want to keep track of? I am not a fucking trophy. Rinse, repeat. I am not a fucking trophy.

Then, there's M. We had a hell of a lot of fun last night playing. Then this morning we talked and things were fine. Then all of a sudden, he gets angry with me. And all I asked was, "If it was someone else, not me, would you give them the same advice in my situation?" To which he took that as, I'm staying. So then we discussed moving. And he said that he didn't want to be a doormat. What would his family say if I were to come back to him pregnant? Well, okay then. I get it. I fucked up.

So, I need to ask, what about me? Does anyone consider how I feel? That I sit there and cry because I'm so ridiculously unhappy and hormonal? That this baby was a complete shock and surprise to me, but I cannot imagine getting an abortion.. I am aware that they're trying to wrap their minds around it; what do they think I'm trying to do? I don't have anything figured out. I'm 800 miles away from my family. I never leave this apartment. I don't have a life out here. Hell, I can't even find a job, since I got laid off from the one I loved.

And on top of that, I don't want to be miserable. I don't normally bitch this much. I love going out and doing things and enjoying people and life. But I feel trapped and caged and controlled, and now I'm sharing my body with someone else. A little person that counts on me. How can I just abandon that? They have my blood. Literally. They are a part of me. And I'm about to run to my future; I just haven't figured out where that is yet.

Stressed? Who's Stressed?

Who, me? I can't imagine why. You're talking about needing 15 forms of paperwork for doctors, insurance, and to verify that your parents were indeed US residents when you were hatched. And they say not to stress out pregnant women... Well, to that I say, stop with the to-do lists. "Did you talk to so-and-so today? Did you do this? What did you eat? Did  you know this is bad for you?"

Yes, I am so aware. And they wonder why it's so hard to quit smoking. (Which I have, by the way.. Which makes me an absolute delight to begin with..)

I ask B; how would you like it? To which he answers, "Oh, I understand." And then comes the snapping of my neck, complete with incredulous look. How could he possibly understand? Is he the one that's bloated and sore and cranky and weeping all the time? Do I tell him what he can and cannot eat and drink? To give up smoking cigars? I can bet you a million dollars that it wouldn't be the same if he were to have to give up drinking coffee. Just one thing out of many. So, no, I don't really believe him when he says he understands. I bet he thinks he's trying and making it better, but really, it's making me even more annoyed.

And onto that topic; B. The friend that I moved in with to find myself. Who turned into a completely jealous, balled up, controlling freak show when intimacy started to get involved. And then, just when I'm making plans to move back across the country? Boom, pregnant. Fantastic.

Not that I'm not happy about this pregnancy, because I am. I've had the itch for children for awhile. It's just... I thought things would be different. Isn't that what everyone says? I thought my life would turn out differently. And sometimes we're happy that the results are different, and sometimes we're not.

The fiance (well, the one I left in the Midwest), let's call him M. M dislikes the way that B is so controlling. B dislikes that I still talk to M; even though we've been friends for over half of my life. M wants me to move back home. B wants me to stay. (He can't live without me, you know..) I feel like a chew toy between two dogs. And I want to put them both in the kennel. Don't tell me what to do; just listen to how I feel. M does that; B does not. B is "I want this; I need this" .. and M is "You need to leave."

So, now what? Now what do I do? I have no idea how I feel. And I especially have no idea now, while my hormones are taking over my body like alien invaders. I feel like a crazy, angry, confused person who cries all the time because they showed something cute on a thirty-second commercial. How do people deal with this all the time?

Starting Somewhere

Everything needs a beginning and my story is no different. Have you ever felt like you just needed to take a chance? To do something you've never done before? To leave everything you know behind? Well, that's what I did. A cross-country move from a fiance to a best friend. To find myself. And you know that saying, "Life happens while you're making plans," is completely true. I generally don't believe in cheesy lines and generalizations, but that one, that one has struck me true. So here I am, on the East Coast since April. I think this blog will be my outlet. My sanctuary. Somewhere where I can spill my feelings and not worry that I'm being overtly emotional. (Because I am, by the way, especially now.) And this blog will also be about the adventures of upcoming motherhood, because that in itself is terrifying and exciting and overwhelming all at once... Especially when it's a surprise.

So, yes. Life happens while you're making plans. See? I told you it was true.